Funerals, memorial meetings and dying

Quaker funerals

Funerals may be held at a Quaker meeting house, at a crematorium, or a graveside. Funerals may therefore be held at a graveside in a Quaker burial ground. A Quaker funeral could also be held at a graveside in another burial ground, such as a natural burial ground.

Normally there would be two Friends who are elders for a funeral or memorial meeting. Quaker Meetings should think about the best people to do this.

General information about Quaker funerals and memorial meetings can be found in chapter 17 of Quaker faith & practice (offsite link).

Quaker Social Action has a guide (offsite link) has funeral guidance as part of it's Down to Earth project with offers advice on affordable funerals.

The National Association of Funeral Directors' website gives practical guidance on arranging and holding funerals.

Memorial meetings and other ways to commemorate and celebrate

Quakers often hold memorial meetings for Friends who have died sometime after their funeral. There is no set period between death and a memorial meeting and this often allows the rawness of death to have passed allowing a celebration of an individual's life to take place at a memorial meeting.

However, there is also great comfort in sharing together when the loss is new. Try to focus on the needs and wishes of those who were closest to the person who died. It may be helpful to arrange a formal or informal time to share memories and come together in grief, using suitable technology.

An option that many Quakers are embracing is use of on-line memorial or tribute pages. Britain Yearly Meeting has information about how to set up a memorial page for Friends. Contact contributions@quaker.org.uk for details.

Many faith and other groups have made suggestions about ways to come together when people cannot gather in person. Some links are below – there are many others.

• Cruse (offsite link) for dealing with bereavement and grief
• Winston's Wish (offsite link) for ideas on supporting children and young people.

Remember someone special

You can now remember a loved one by posting a photo and memory in the Quakers in Britain Space For Remembrance. Find out how on our 'In memory' page.

Pastoral care

There is advice and guidance available in Funerals and Memorial Meetings: Volume 2 of the Eldership and Oversight handbook series. It gives an outline to planning a funeral or memorial meeting and step-by-step guidance including helpful things to remember.

Caring for the bereaved

Supporting bereaved Friends is always a real challenge and one that meetings should consider carefully. Bearing in mind that not everyone's needs are the same, think about the following:

• How can you make an opportunity to listen to what the needs of anyone bereaved are?
• Can your Quaker community offer care and support to a person or people who you may not be in contact with face-to-face? If there is more than one person in the affected household, can you offer them support which is tailored to their individual needs?
• Can you arrange a daily or regular call or conversation with someone in your eldership and pastoral care group?
• Can you arrange daily worship in a small group?
• In what way can you be alongside anyone bereaved?
• Is there someone who can offer some practical support such as liaising with the funeral director
• Could someone prepare food and take it to their home?

Helping your Quaker community to prepare for your funeral

We all need to help support those in our Quaker community who have responsibility for conducting funerals. Help Friends with eldership and pastoral responsibility by having a conversation with them about your wishes or by filling in the form below. It is particularly important in case arrangements need to be made by a person not known to an individual who has died or their family.

Dying, death and end of life resources

• Funeral wishes (Word)
• Love and loss – two-sided (PDF)
• Quaker funerals leaflet (PDF)
• Leaving a legacy for Quaker Work (PDF)
• Legacy Pledge Sheet (PDF)

It is a good idea to make other preparations for death and incapacity. This includes having an up-to-date will, financial planning, living wills and organ donation wishes. Further information on these matters can be found on the Money Saving Expert website. The Fundraising Team can also give guidance on leaving a legacy in your will for Quaker Work.

Image of lilies by D H Wright is licensed under CC BY 2.0